I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
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I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Got him!
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”