He just like my cat fr
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Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
listen closely