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[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye