Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
You Might Also Like
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Does your wife know you’re single?
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
🙁
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.