me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
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I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]