i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
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Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Going to church you guys need anything
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’