Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
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I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]