Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
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Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.