Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
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me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
groan^2
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol