You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
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The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Thursday Thought.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
this came to me in a vision
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*