*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
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Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
beware of dog
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
How can I say no to this ?
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.