The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
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TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
If you want my opinion ask my wife
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
“I’m helping” 😅