Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
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The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
yea so i messed up lol
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
bought wrong eggs
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.