Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
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Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Word!
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field