Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
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It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.