Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
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Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Not today.. 😂
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
I think I’ll stand
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.