[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
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Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
@funTweeters
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you