ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
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*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
🤭😂
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
want me to check your oil?
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?