Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
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So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Coffee for people with no kids
Nose
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire