Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
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Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling