bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
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You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.