My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
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My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk