*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
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Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here