You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
You Might Also Like
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Life cycle of cat
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?