cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
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“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.