a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
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If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
guilty
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)