Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
You Might Also Like
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like