Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
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I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
I love art.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.