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My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.