Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
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Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Optional boss fight.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.