Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
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my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl