Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
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When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!