Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
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My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
nature’s most graceful animal
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
welp
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess