ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
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Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.