Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
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I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
🍛
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
man i love columbo
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..