Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
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A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them