Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
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Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*