I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
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How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.