So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
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Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Where is your GOD now????
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect