Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
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My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*