The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
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Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
How about daylight saves us for once
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF