No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
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Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
My Sentiments Exactly
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom