For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
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Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.