If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
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“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter