*checks real estate listings on other planets*
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welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud