girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
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Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
the best thing i’ve ever made
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous