I used to be married, but I’m better now
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My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track