Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
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My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”