Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
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[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.