Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
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A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Happy Taco Tuesday
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Basically.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.